Chapter 3.13

It’s time for Tonya’s solo date with our humble bachelor.

“Did I do good or what, babydoll?” Zolnax throws his head back. “I think you should give me a kiss for my ultimate, extremely intelligent ingenuity.”

Tonya arches her eyebrow. “Oh, honey, you’ll have to do more than this to impress me.”

(Whoa. Tough crowd. I mean, she SHOULD appreciate THIS! It’s a replica of the Titanic. The ship from her FAVORITE movie! But as they say, Zollie, the best things in life don’t come free. Why don’t you take down your immense ego for this date, huh? Let’s impress! (Because she’s honestly the last normal girl here! 😅))

Tonya gushes, “Did you get Leonardo DiSimprio to come on our date with us? Oh please oh please oh please?”

“Darling, why do you need that pleeb when you’ve got this hunka burning love right here?”

(***Smacks head*** He’s already ruining things. 😫)

Zolnax waltzes in and orders a table. “I want something private, if you know what I mean.”

“Sir…this is a fine establishment NOT a brothel.”

(He said it. I didn’t. :D)

“OMG! Is that Leonardo DiSimprio?” says one bag lady.

“REALLY? WHERE?” squeals the other.

(What’s up with all the bags around here??? 🙄🙄🙄)

“Would you like that steak cooked medium or well done?” the waitress asks.

Tonya squeezes her eyes into slits. “Um…it’d be nice if you would remove the sack. I can’t understand you.”

Making small talk, Tonya offers, “So, I hear my mother knows your family.”

“Yes. My dad knocked up your mom and we share a brother.”

Tonya’s eyes bug out as she chokes on her food.

(***Hits head on desk*** Can’t you keep those dirty little family secrets to yourself, Zolnax??? YEESH! 😵)

“Creator, I think it’s wonderful we’re practically family already. And being step-siblings makes our relationship all the more…sinister. Muahahahaaaa!”

(He’ll never change. 😑)

As Tonya heads to the restroom, Zolnax waits for her on the deck, hoping to reenact a scene from the movie.

Finally, she joins Zolnax at the helm of the ship. He stares intently at her. “Are you ready to drown in the ocean, Miss?”

(👀👀👀👀👀 Where are you going with this, Zol???)

Tonya draws in a breath. “You’re CRAZY!”

“That’s what everybody says, but with all due respect, Miss, I’m not the one with a Titanic movie fetish.”

(I see what you did there, Zollie. Very clever. Quoting lines from the show and making it your own. 👍)

A smile sweeps over Tonya’s face. “You’re sexy when you talk dirty to me.”

(Did I say she was normal? I’ll never make that mistake again. ***shrugs*** That just means she’s perfect for him.)

Zollie heads back to the mansion after a very satisfying date.

He looks up at me. “Creator, I think I’m in LOVE!”

(You say that every time you get back from a date. 😐 Now you need to give London and Jena some of your attention.)

“As you wish, Creator.”

(Wow. Sounds like I’ve got him trained! 😏)

Since Jena and London didn’t get solo dates, Zolnax will “date” them around the bachelor mansion. It’s so big and there’s so much to do, they should have a great time!

London chooses a hot tub date.

“Did I ever tell you that you look fabulous without most of your clothing?” Zolnax asks.

(Zolnax! A girl doesn’t want to hear that! Keep sex stuff inside your head. On second thought, don’t think them at all since I can hear everything. 🙄)

London’s eyes light up and she says, “Who needs clothing? We could always go skinny dipping.”

(Is it getting hot in there or what??? 😮 )

*****

Now it’s Jena’s turn for her date.

“So…boyfriend, when and where should we get married? On the beach, in the mountains or in the jungle?”

(Uh…I think she’s rushing things a bit. 😳)

Zolnax makes disgusting kissing noises. “Wherever you wish, my queen.”

Jena smirks knowingly. “Good answer.”

(Ugh. She’s ruling him already. Medusa 2.0 is in the house, folks! Sigh…)

In the kitchen, Zolnax does a wiggle dance. “Oh, Creator, I’m so happy, I could cook all day!”

(Why are you so happy? You’re leading on four girls and you’re going to have to crush so many hearts. 😭)

“Exactly. The thought of it sends me into a euphoric tizzle.”

(Your poor girlfriends. ***Shakes head***)

Just then Jena saunters into the room. “Hey, sweet cheeks, I just decided we should have our wedding at Lucky Palms. Thanks for letting me choose, babe.”

Zolnax eyes her like a dog with a juicy bone. “Lucky Palms sounds amazing, Jena!”

June withers at hearing the two banter like they’re officially fiances! “It is as I feared. There is a gash in my hearts. My lifeblood seeps, dripping onto the volcanic buffed rock.”

(ZOLNAX! How could you be so cruel to June! 😡 And you told me only a few days ago you were falling in love with her! She’s liable to jet out of here in her spaceship if you don’t rectify it. NOW!)

Turning toward June, Zolnax says, “Sweetheart, you know how much you mean to me. OUR wedding will be at the place of our first date. Would you like that?”

Her frown morphs into an instant grin. “It would fill me with ineffable exultation, my favorite human admirer!”

Zolnax nods, so pleased with himself. “Well, now that our wedding venues are settled, I’ll eat in the dining room if you’d like to join me!” Then he says in his head, “How’s that for quick thinking, Creator?”

(***Folds arms*** I think you’ve created a monster. And it’s not June. 😠)

Once he leaves, Jena glares at June.

“Don’t think you can trap him with your alien babe-factor. He’s going to marry ME in Lucky Palms. You heard him yourself. He was just trying to save your feelings.”

June plops down on the kitchen bar stool. “Jena Parrish speaks with veracity that I cannot deny. I am doomed. Throw me in a pit filled with vladroxes where I’ll be devoured into their many abdominal cavities. That never-ending pain will be nothing compared to being disavowed by my most favorite human admirer.”

“Cheer up, girlfriend,” London says. “At least you lasted this long.”

“That does nothing to heighten my emotional comfort. I am the definition of disconsolate.”

(Poor June! I hate this! 😭😭😭)

And now it’s time for the rose ceremony where one sad soul will be sent home.

(I hope you’re satisfied. June is beside herself with grief. You better get this over with quick or I’ll punch you out myself.)

“Creator, you’re not making this any easier on me. Do you realize I love all of these women?”

(It’s your actions that led to her misery so I don’t care about making it easy on you. 😡)

Without hesitating, Zolnax grabs a rose and gives it to Jena.

“Darling. I feel our hearts beat as one already. Will you accept this rose?”

“Are you kidding? Give it to me, baby!”

Next, he offers a rose to Tonya.

“Our date showed me how much we get along. I believe you compliment me in every way.”

“Thank you, Zollie! You’re no Leonardo DiSimprio but you’re close!”

And now we have the last two.

It’s obvious who thinks they’re staying and who thinks they’re going home.

Then Zolnax takes a rose and gives it to…

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June!

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, but I can assure you, I have deep feelings for you. Will you forgive my insensitivity and accept this rose?”

“The succulent smell of Dronderacks of my home planet could not compare to this. My utmost gratitude, my favorite human admirer.”

(You might not want to forgive him so easily, June. I know I wouldn’t. 😡)

“So hey…London…about that skinny dipping offer…I kind of have to say…no…” He waves his arms. “Not that I wouldn’t enjoy it but…I have to follow my heart and I feel we’re more like best friends. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay, Zolnax.” London pats him on the back. “I kind of figured when you wouldn’t put your arm around me in the hot tub. No hard feelings.”

Jena smiles to herself. “One fly down and two more to squash.”

(Does she have a hidden evil trait? ***scratches head***)

Once London escapes from the house she cries, “YES! That’s the best haul I’ve done all year. Don’t think I’ll have to work a job again for another year.”

(Errr…what is THAT supposed to mean? 👀)

And so I guess I know why London is jingling all the way to the limo. At least she got something out of this experience! 🙃

And so I’m sorry Aud! London and Zolnax never got out of the friendzone even though they did end up being best friends! Thank you for submitting her! She will be missed!

Now we’re down to the final three! We’re headed to the end!