Stinky and sad, Hunter makes himself a delicious meal.
(Cheer up, Hunter! You’ve got an amazing home and a job. What more could you want?)
“Things aren’t going well, Creator. I’m not the evil superpower I’ve always dreamed about. And Buzzkill was right. Women don’t notice me anymore. I’ve lost it.”
“The manly Rex family trait that woman swoon and worship us. You’ve seen my father.”
(I try not to think about that.)
“Well…it just makes me…gloomy.”
(Go take a shower. That should cheer you up!)
Slowly, Hunter enters the bathroom, but before he can get to the toilet…
(**wipes face** Okay, this calls for drastic measures. Hunter, after you clean up that drool off the floor, you need to call one of the ladies in your contacts. I’m sure someone would want to go on a date with you!)
Hunter yawns as he uses the toilet. “No, Creator, I’m much too tired. I think I’ll retire for today. Super villains need their beauty rest, too, you know.”
(**eyeroll** You do that then.)
Instantly, Hunter falls asleep, dreaming about love (or the lack of it).
The following morning, I chirp in Hunter’s ear.
“What, Creator? Did you know I’m not a morning person? I don’t like to be accosted by you until at least 3 pm.”
(Ha ha…you’re such a comedian. Listen, I’m serious. You’re not getting any younger and this family needs kids. Look up one of those girls you knew from high school. I’m sure one of them would love to go out with you.)
“When Father said you were a pain in the neck, he wasn’t kidding. Listen, I will do this my way without YOUR interference. Now dissolve before I lose my temper!”
So Hunter decides to watch horror flicks all day.
(Now will you do something about your love life? You’re wasting time!)
Hunter thrusts his hand over his mouth. “Eek! Who knew bunnies were so scary?”
(Sigh…he just ignores me.)
“Oh, okay. If you will stop blathering long enough, I have a spectacular idea that will even please the likes of you.”
(*wicked smile* It’s about time you decided to listen to me. Who are you going to call?)
(Huh? You think someone is going to just magically appear? **Laughs**)
And then I see Hunter flipping a coin into the wishing well before I can stop him.
(What are you DOING????)
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m wishing for a sidekick, I mean…wife!”
(B-But…I stammer and stutter…b-b-but that well is from MR. SAUSAGES! It’s EVIL!!!)
“Naturally. An evil well for an evil guy.” He wiggles his eyebrows.
But then the well spews angry red sparks at him.
(I think you are going to be sorry…)
“Oh crud. What have I done?”
The evil well laughs maniacally as it blasts hunter in fire red explosions.
And in a cloud of black smoke, a woman appears.
“See, Creator? All is well.”
(Humph. We’ll see about that.)
“Hello, my dear. I am your knight in black evil armour. My name is Hunter the Magnificent. And you are?”
“I am Keira Rawls and I lovingly hate your guts.”
Hunter claps. “Enemies with benefits? Wow. She’s PERFECT!”
(**Hits head** UGH!)
Then the strange woman changes into weird clothing.
“Ah…” she says, “this looks like a place where my activities will not be noticed.”
Hunter twirls his mustache in his fingers. “May I say you look ravishing? Is this your villain’s costume? Impressive! What do the underlings of the world call you, my dear girlfriend?”
Glaring under her mask, she answers, “They call me Medusa the Cruel, and if you weren’t the pathetic ape you are, you would bow at my feet!”
“Of course, my little death flower. Anything you wish.” Hunter bows low.
(Hunter! What are you doing? May I remind you that this is YOUR house that I made for YOU?? Not her! How dare she come in and order you around? You better show her who’s boss or you will regret it!)
“Um…er…well, my sweet cowplant, I just need to clear up a few things before I show you to our…ahem…bedroom. I am the one who pays the bills therefore…I am really the one in charge. Okay, evilcheeks?”
The woman starts to giggle at first. Then her hoots grow into full belly laughs.. Hunter chortles with her, doubling over.
“My, my…you are a funny man. What is your name?”
“Hunter the Invincible.”
“Yes…Hunter the Insufferable.” She snaps her fingers. “If you even think I’m going to spend the night in your bed then you WILL bow before me both day and night or you will regret your birth from your very unfortunate mother.” Pointing to the ground she yells, “BOW!”
Nodding and bowing like a whipped puppy, Hunter yelps, “Of course, my queen. Anything you say. Just don’t lock me out tonight! I’m your boy toy…right?”
(***rolls eyes*** Oh, come on, Hunter! She’s not worth it! There are other, very nice girls out there in the world. Heck, I’ll even make you a special girl of your dreams. DUMP HER!)
Through clenched teeth as Hunter lays prostrate on the ground before this ridiculous woman, he says to me, “Shut up, Creator! This IS the woman of my dreams. She even carries her own villainess costume! How perfect is that?”
(**Sigh** All right…but I’m going to be ready with the I-told-you-so’s and it’s going to feel good.)
Suddenly, Hunter gets a text:
“See, Creator? Mom is happy so you should be happy.”
(**Folds arms** Just wait until Kaila gets to meet your “little death flower”. She just might keel over.)
“Fun sucker. There’s no talking to you. Okay, I’ve had enough of Creator for today, so if you could go on mute, I’d be happy.”
Hunter swears at me then immediately stomps to his room and changes his look.
(That’s a….different vibe. What’s up with the man bun?)
“Didn’t you hear, Creator? Men with manbuns have more fun!”
(I’d agree with you except that you have a certifiable sociopath for a girlfriend, so I’m thinking she may kill you in your sleep if she doesn’t like it. You’re really throwing the dice here.)
Shaking his head, he says, “You’ll see!” Walking into the bathroom, he is surprised to see Keira there. “Ah…it’s my death flower looking so beautiful. What is that smell? Nightpath Nectar?”
He leans in and whispers, “I want to sniff you all night.”
Keira laughs and says, “Stop it with the talking and kiss me, you dimwitted dolt!”
Wasting no time, Hunter lays a sloppy smooch on Keira, sending shockwaves through his body.
(And I have to turn my head…ick!)
“Wow, Creator! Now who is going to do the I-told-you-so’s?”
(*Shakes head** This relationship is far too young to do any smug celebrations. You’re in the honeymoon phase is all.)
“She loves me, Creator. I can feel it.”
(She also hates you.)
“Well, you can’t have everything.”
Later on, Hunter has dinner with his brother, Levi. “And she is the best kisser, Lee. You really should get one.”
“And all I have to do is wish for a girl?”
“Yeah. It’s that simple.”
(Hunter…I don’t think we need another crazy girl in this house! You’ve heard of angelfish…right? They eat each other if you have more than one in the tank. These women would rip each other apart!)
“Shush, Creator. Don’t spoil Levi’s fun.”
“That sounds cool, Hunter! I think I’ll try it!”
(**wipes face** Oh no…we’ll never have another normal moment in the house!)
(Uh…Hunter? I think you better be over your little cowplant. She’s doing something with your computer files in your office.)
Hunter rushes to his office only to find it vacated. Quickly, he scans his computer and moans.
“According to this, all my files…everything…all money, plans, stocks, have been wiped out. I’m broke!”
(Um…how would you like the I-told-you-so’s? One at a time or all at once?)
“KEIRA!” Hunter roars.